The loneliness feels suffocating this morning. I wanted to sleep in late today, shrinking the today’s window of when I can think about things, but I am cursed as an early riser. I am making my way through another book on addiction – searching for something that sounds familiar. It is the weekends where my life feels lost. My husband lost his job shortly after his arrest and is now working full time at a breakfast restaurant which consumes his weekend, our weekend.
Things seemed a bit more real this week than they have in a while. He did intake with a new state certified therapy center where he will be required to attend sessions regardless of the legal outcome still pending. Therapy is time consuming. I feel exhausted by the idea of how we are supposed to work on our marriage when we are living lives that feel more separate than ever. I work standard hours, 9 to 5, and he works mornings and weekends. Evenings are jam packed with therapy and meetings for both of us, leaving us the off chance of a Wednesday or a Sunday evening that we can share with one another.
And therapy is permanent for addicts. The issue does not go away. You learn to live with it, peacefully, and without acting out. I feel empty thinking about how I have lost my partner, my best friend, and my lover. Some days it feels far to overwhelming to imagine the other side of this ordeal and today is one of those days.
My therapist asked that I set a conscious intention for why I want to be with my husband on days we decide to see one another. My husband spent the night on Thursday and as I was driving home from work, I was thinking about my intention and what brought on the excitement I was feeling. I came home exhausted in thought and said to my husband that I was looking forward to our time together because it seemed limited – it was not going to last forever. I just didn’t see how we could be us anymore in this new life, full of new circumstances. He didn’t show his optimism as he usually does, but agreed he had put me in a situation that would be difficult for anyone to live within. He has resolved to letting go of anger if I chose to leave. I deserve the best, but all I want is us. The old us.