Over the weekend I headed into Denver to see the movie Shame at the Mayan. I was genuinely excited to see the film. I feel like living under the constraints of sex addiction has put me on high alert . It seems to be everywhere and yet it is rarely discussed and is clearly a faux pa. The movie was beautifully done and the characters had quite a bit of depth. They made things real.
It got me thinking really about two things.
The main character did a fabulous job of portraying the all consuming nature of sex addiction. Many of the things my husband has discussed with me became real and I could empathize with the pain and lowness that stems from this disease. And yet I was scared out of my mind. Above and beyond all of the shocking moments in the movie I felt immense sadness thinking about how someone can be in such a deep hole and not lean on their spouse to come out. That they would turn instead to a place that lacks all authenticity.
Secondly, one of the questions looming in my head throughout my process of therapy and discovery has been feeling stumped by having a thriving sex life with my husband with this disease in the background. I have struggled to understand what, if anything, that we have created intimately together was a result of his conversations and web based activities with women. Was he exploring our individual sexual desires or dictating the ideas of others. Was anything really natural? There was a scene in the movie where the main character sees a couple having sex against a window and he is driven to reenact that scene in his own personal escapades. Part of me has been able to create a separation in my mind and witnessing the idea of mimicking sexual encounters made me sick. That separation is beginning to break down.