Alienation

I allowed myself to get tricked into believing that because I am feeling positive about my relationship, everyone else’s feelings will follow suit. It takes a lot for me to avoid getting disgusted and angry that my relationship has become a public topic of debate. I am angry at myself for years of lacking opinion in my friend’s relationships and otherwise being supportive. And here I am judged and alienated because I am working on my marriage, our relationship which is 10 years in the making – longer than most of the relationships with friends that sit in limbo today.

One of my best friends is coming to visit in a couple of weeks from San Francisco. It is difficult to put into words what this friend has meant to me or how she has supported me over the last 6.5 years since we first met in the Bay Area. She is amazing. Generally as planned visits get close I get ridiculously excited. Except this time. It’s different. As the idea of a visit gained clarity and concrete plans made their way into the weekend, it hit me that it could not be assumed that Steve would be invited along for any of the fun. So I had to ask. And she doesn’t want to see him.

I remain open with my husband and came home to him waiting at my house, explaining my frustration by the time that has gone by and how little anyone has heard his perspective, caught him on the phone, been able to see him. It gets exhausting to be the only one communicating a huge gap that has occurred in our relationship over most of the last decade. It is even worse to be expressing hope within a scenario that seems unimaginable to the majority of this world and doing so alone. I asked that he take some initiative and reach out to people over the phone whose calls had been left unanswered. I also asked that he reach out to my friend to address her uncertainty about what would be said after all of this time. And so he did.

I felt like a kid waiting for the outcome. I wanted to hear form my husband what was said. We discussed it at length and the conversation settled well with him despite her anger towards him. It felt human. He received a reaction, any reaction, and was able to process what they had discussed. I connected with her a couple of days later, expecting a bit of the same response and received the opposite. The dots do not connect for her, she believes my husband remains shielded, his responses scripted from a therapy book, and his view of the last 10 years as lacking the appropriate weight.

It is hard not to spiral into a place that maps a future with very few friends. I need to bring myself back to a place where this does not define my future. This is one relationship, albeit a very important one. Very little time has passed and time does change things. I can handle the reality as it stands today little by little and I need to prevent myself from extrapolating today into forever. Appreciate this time for its ability for us to focus on ourselves and our relationship. Something we rarely did in the old version of ourselves.

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