Whats Worse?

“Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs”

This month in Al Anon the focus will skirt along the 5th step of the program. In a nutshell, revealing your truth.

I have always struggled with the boundary of what to share with people; sometimes finding a high in revealing personal details to people whom I have not yet built trust. I have fantasized that sharing my life would form friendships and bonds. In retrospect, I realize that you test the waters, dip your toes in, gain trust little by little and then begin to share – building a foundation of a healthy relationship.

I am moving into a place where it feels best to keep things a bit private – to speak more eloquently at a high level about my personal hell rather than feel trapped in a corner trying to explain emotions that fleet between moments. It is my right.

Sharing my life as it stands, throughout this entire process, has been painful. It’s isolating to reach out to a vast expanse of people with whom I have shared my life, with whom we have shared our life over the last 10+ years, and feel alone – as though no one can relate. Its easy to feel misunderstood because no one has walked in my shoes. No one has felt every detail and moment of the way things have unfolded except the two of us. And I cannot expect them to – their view of my situation is created through a window that I build for them. I am painting the picture and they are looking at it from 100 feet away or more trying to interpret it and discover its meaning. But my emotion is wrapped up in the brush strokes and colors, the details of what has built the painting. They choose how to interpret it or engage with it. I don’t have that privilege.

But what I have found to be worse as the months pass and we move forward, even if its tiny baby steps, is the inability for people to relate to the light. The bits of optimism that mange to squeeze through, the tiny milestones, the small changes. No one expects it. They are holding their breath and waiting for the explosion. It highlights the judgement, the expectation that I will wipe my hands clean from my marriage and break free. People weren’t betting on the rays of light. No one is rooting on the sidelines.

And it hurts. Worse. It isn’t that they don’t know the right cheer. Its that they only want to cheer if I make the right decision. Their decision.

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